The Multiple Journals: multiple personality and dissociation from artist survivor of child abuse

"Silence No More"

(The One Who Walks in Silence makes a change)

"Keep it calm at all cost."

-Who is this?

"It is me, the Voice of Reason."

(Another voice is heard)

There is a reason for calm, you know. If you don't keep it calm, the monster will attack the little children and eat them up alive, alive, o.

-Who speaks now?

I am the One Who Walks in Silence no More.

-Yes. We know you now.

I am one who would speak at all cost now. No more silence for the sake of calm. No more reason to be calm. We were silent too long to preserve the peace in that house. I fought hard, worked hard to find my voice, my reason to speak, my will to live. I found my reason to be. I must be, therefore, I must speak.

Judy Girl did not stay for it. I was there. I did not like it. No one of us liked it, but we knew, and I knew, and nobody outside knew.

I could not speak it then, and that was an awful time. Awful. There were horrible things then and nobody to tell. Nobody would hear.

-Did you say it?

I said some of it. I almost said it all a million times. I told it so many times inside, but it did not come out where anyone could hear it good. No one ever heard it.

I think I said it outside. Maybe not. It is hard to know. I wanted to. I felt bad. If I could just say it, maybe somebody could make it stop.

-You felt responsible?

I could have saved us if I could have said it. I thought that.

-Who was responsible, really?

The monster. Not a child. Not for that.

-No. Not any child. Can you forgive yourself for this?

It is sad for me still, but I did not to the bad things, and I was a child. A big person would have to make it stop. Not a little child. It is a big person's job to help a child. To protect a child. Maybe now that is why we still need to say it out loud. Cause we are big now in body. And maybe we can help our little ones inside now if we can say it out loud.

Maybe the big ones need to do something no adult person outside did for us then. We are big enough now in body to make it stop. We are big enough to say the words. To shake the monster and make the monster wake up and say, "Oh no, look at what I did! I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. I love you. I am so sorry. I was so mixed up, I did not even know what I was doing. I won't ever hurt you any more. God help me. I am sorry. I did not know."

-Maybe some big ones want to hear those words, and some little ones too?

Yes. We don't think we ever will but the Big Ones need to say their words. And there are Little Ones with words to say now too.

(A Child's speaks.)

STOP MONSTER. WAKE UP. STOP. SEE, IT IS ME , JUDY GIRL. LITTLE JUDY. DON'T HURT US. WE DID NOT DO ANYTHING BAD. PLEASE WAKE UP.

Somebody maybe said it cause it stopped. I don't know. But it did.

-Yes, it did.

J.C. 5/96